It feels weird to cry. I haven’t cried in a very long time. Crying reminded me that I am a person. I used to want to be emotionless so I would never have to worry about getting hurt. I’ve been terrified and happy. Scared and glad. Almost an hour straight I cried. Everything I’ve been holding in finally came out.
I never even cried when I considered taking my own life. I cried though because my actions had a negative impact on something important to me. Don’t get me wrong, driving full speed into a wall sounds amazing right now to finally give me silence of everything. But even then I’m more worried about the well being of others than my own self.
I want to disappear forever.
All I can think about is don’t break down right now.
I wish I knew what was even wrong with me to begin with. I have No clue why I Am feeling or acting this way. I feel so helpless right now.
I feel myself breaking. Everyday it is getting worse and it’s getting harder to focus on anything. Everytime I blank out it is getting worse and for longer periods of time. I just want to disappear.
I just want to disappear. Just go away for a period of time. I’m tired. Not in a physical sense. But an emotional sense. I’m tired of everything. I just want a simple break from life. For everything to just be quiet so I can get my thoughts together.
Feel so enamored, hold me tight within your clutch
How do you do it, you got me losing every breath
What did you give me to make my heart beat out my chest"